It used to be a simple question.

Who’s on first?

Not who philosophically.
Not who as a social construct.
Not who as affirmed by an internal review committee.

Just who.

A noun.
A person.
A human being standing on a base with dirt on their pants and sunflower seeds in their mouth.

Now the answer is they are.

Which is not an answer.
It is a fog machine.

They are sounds inclusive until you realize it explains nothing.
It feels polite.
It behaves like static.

Ask again and you do not get clarity.
You get training.

Who’s on first?
They are.
Who?
Yes.

At some point, language stopped being a tool for communication and became a loyalty test.
The goal is no longer to be understood.
The goal is to demonstrate that you have been paying attention.

Confusion is not a side effect.
It is the proof of compliance.

If you are lost, good.
That means it is working.

Try to clarify and you are corrected.
Try to simplify and you are suspect.
Ask a follow up question and suddenly the problem is not the sentence.
It is you.

You did not misunderstand.
You are uncomfortable.

This is the brilliance of the system.

When words stop pointing to things, no one is ever wrong.
They are only insufficiently evolved.

Every sentence becomes unfalsifiable.

Who’s on first? They are.
Who are they? Who.
What is their name? Who.
What pronouns do they use? They and them.
Where are they? On first.
How many people is that? We do not count.

Baseball rosters used to have positions.
Now they have vibes.

The original Abbott and Costello sketch worked because language was solid.
Who was a name.
What was a name.

The comedy came from ambiguity at the edges.
The audience knew what words meant.
The joke was watching them slip.

The new version has no edges.
Everything is ambiguity.

It is not a joke anymore.
It is an operating system.

You feel it when a simple exchange turns into a seminar.
You ask a question and instead of an answer you get an ethics briefing.

You do not learn who is on second.
You learn how you should have asked.

And God help you if you raise your voice.
That is not frustration anymore.
That is a tone issue.

The real punchline is not that everyone is they.
It is that you are too.

Eventually.

Argue long enough and someone will check a clipboard.
You will be informed that you have been reclassified.

You are now They.
Status confused.

Congratulations.
Please initial here.

Abbott and Costello never needed this many words.
They trusted that language meant something before it meant everything.

The joke was not that the audience was dumb.
The joke was that language stretched just enough could trip us.

Now it is stretched until it snaps.
When it snaps, we are told that is growth.

Which brings us to the update.

The original sketch has been retired.

Below is the new official version.

Who’s On First: The Official They Are Version

A: Who’s on first?
B: They are.
A: Who are?
B: Yes.

A: I am asking for a name.
B: And I am giving you pronouns.

A: The person on first. What is their name?
B: Who.
A: Who is their name?
B: Correct.

A: So Who is they.
B: Yes.
A: And they are on first.
B: Obviously.

A: Why does it sound like there are six people on first base?
B: Because you are thinking in outdated quantities.

A: Who’s on second?
B: No. Who’s on first.
A: I know that. I am asking about second.
B: They are on second.
A: Different they?
B: Please do not assign numbers to they.

A: What is the name of the player on second?
B: What.
A: Of course it is.

A: Who is pitching?
B: The pitcher prefers they.
A: Who is they?
B: You are now.

Pause.

A: Who do I complain to?
B: They handle that.
A: Who is they?
B: Still you.